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AN 



Unconditional Surrender 



A Comedy in Three Acts 





BY , 






/ 




William Smith Morris, M. D. 




' 2681 CI xjO ; 






{ 




Philadelphia 


UHo-y X 


The 


Penn Publishing 
1892 


Company 



n. 









Copyright, 1S92, by The Penn Publishing Company 



n-zifJI 



DRAMATIS PERSON.^ 

Mr. Lennox Colfax, a popular novelist from 

New York. 
Mr. Harrison Pennington, a Philadelphia 

broker. 

Mr. Ward Van Artsdalen, a New York broker. 

Miss Belle Walling, a Baltimore belle. 

Miss Dolly Mayfair, a Philadelphia belle. 

Miss May McCollum, a New York belle. 

Eddie, the colored bell boy. 

Chloe, Eddie s sweetheart {appearing only en 
tableau.) 

Colonel Lee, who does not appear at all. 



Time Required, 2yi Hours. 



ARGUMENl 

Three " Society Belles "—Miss Walling, of Baltimore ; Miss May- 
fair, of Philadelphia ; and Miss McCollum, of New York — are board- 
ing at the Hotel Elberon, at Elberon, on the Jersey coast. In the 
First Act Belle and her two friends engage in a lively dialogue, in 
which, among other things, the latest novel of Lennox Colfax, a pop- 
ular novelist, who is also stopping at the hotel, is discussed. In the 
midst of the talk he appears and is compelled to endure their joint 
assault upon his story, for creating such namby-pamby heroines. 

A literary partnership is suggested — or a course in love — to teach 
him, more correctly, of the divine passion, as well as of women. 
After his exit, Mr. Harrison Pennington, a Philadelphia broker, ap- 
pears, vowing vengeance on his quondam chum. Ward Van Arts- 
dalen, a New York broker, for calling him a "liar." A duel is 
imminent. The girls — Dolly and May — take sides with the doughty 
representatives of their respective cities. Belle and Mr. Colfax con- 
coct a scheme to render the duel bloodless, and the combat becomes 
a ludicrous farce, the Act ending with an umbrella denonement, in 
which the two duelists find a balm for their injured feelings in a 
fetching love scene. 

In the Third Act the course of true love is found to have run its 
proverbially crooked course. The lovers have quarreled and sepa- 
rated. Everything is topsy-turvey. Belle has learned to love the 
author while assisting in writing his new story, but he seems blind 
to her charms. 

The brokers concoct a plan to flirt with each other's ex-fiancees, 
thinking that such a resort may bring their loves back to them. 
Eddie, the bell boy, defeats this scheme, by unwittingly changing 
the notes he has been commissioned to deliver. 

The result is unexpected to the men, but lovely, nevertheless. 
Finally the author and Belle meet in the rustic pavilion for the pur- 
pose of completing the love story, upon which they have been en- 
gaged for three weeks. The love scene doesn't seem to suit. He 
suggests that they enact it — assuming the characters of the lovers. 
Result, unforeseen — from jest to earnest. He proposes to Belle, is 
accepted, and with an affecting tableau, in which Cupid is triumph- 
ant, the curtain descends. 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 



Act I. 

SCENE. — The scene should represent windows, door, piazza^ 
etc. A hotel front showing chairs scattered about. Door 
in centre of flat. Belle seated in chair near entrance, 
readhig a novel. A box of boft-bon"] on a chair beside her. 

Belle. Ha ! ha ! ha ! what perfect rubbish ! {she throws 
book down o?i chair by her). {E?iter, as she does so, Dolly and 
May, fro7?i ce?itre door.) 

Dolly. What's " perfect rubbish," dear? 

Belle. That ! {pointing scornfully to 7iovel). 

May. {seating herself o?i railing) It must be delightful, I 
adore rubbish. 

Belle. This is worse than rubbish ; it is libellous non- 
sense. 

Dolly. Upon whom ? {seating herself). 

Belle, {tragically) Upon our sex ! 

May. {eating a bon-bon) Lovely ! We deserve it all, 
dear. 

Belle, {severely') That from a woman ! O May ! 

May. Why not 1 I'm sure I've been a positive source 
of unhappiness to at least a dozen people this day. 

Dolly. How ? 

May. {reflectively) Well, let me see. I asked pa this 
morning to bring me a diamond butterfly from Tiffany's for 
my coiffure for the ball at the West End next week. 

Dolly. That's one ! {holdi?ig up o?ie finger as tally). 

May. And I ruined ma's lorgnette by sitting on it this 
noon. 

Dolly, {holdirig two fingers) That's two ! 

May. And I wrote an emphatic declination to Dickie 
Cruger's proposal of marriage received per the mail. 

Dolly. Beautiful ! That's three. But tell us about 
Dickie. 

Belle. Yes, do ! 

May. Oh ! dear me ! There's nothing to tell. Dickie 
does it every once in a while. It's a weakness of his, poor 
boy ! I know on positive evidence that he has offered his 

5 



6 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

heart to at least eight girls. This is the fourth time he has 
honored me alone. 

Dolly. Why don't somebody accept him and put him 
out of his misery ? 

May. I'll write for him to come on. Perhaps you will. 

Dolly. Oh ! dear no, sweet ! The season is too early 
yet. 

Belle. But tell us more about Dickie. Why does he 
propose so much ? 

May. It's this way : His income is tied up by the will of 
his father, so that he can only draw so much every quarter. , 
Well, every time the dear boy is flush he celebrates by pro- 
posing to one of " his girls," as he is pleased to call us. 

Dolly. Sort of a mild dissipation. 

Belle. It is really better than getting intoxicated. He 
shows excellent taste. But doesn't some girl accept him 
every now and then ? 

May. Oh ! yes ; several have. 

Belle. Several ! Why, he is a perfect Turk. 

May. You see, they didn't know Dickie. He invariably 
breaks his engagements when his allowance runs low — 
which usually takes place about a month after he has 
drawn it. 

Dolly. I wish he were here, after all. I believe I would 
accept him under those circumstances. Just think of the 
drives, bon-bons, and so on for the month ! Oh ! it's just 
heavenly ! 

Belle. He must be utterly heartless, though. 

May. Not at all. He has too much heart to let love fam- 
ish after a month of plenty. He considerately gives some 
other man a chance. 

Belle. Oh ! I see. 

Dolly. Well, dear, you have made three persons un- 
happy ; who else ? 

May. Tired of Dickie, already ? Well, let's see. I told 
the bell boy he was as slow as treacle in the winter time 
when he went on an errand for me, and he actually looked 
hurt. 

Dolly. That's four ! 

May. And Mr. Van Artsdalen asked me to go out driv- 
ing with him to-morrow and I declined, because I have 
been going too frequently with him of late. He might be 
tempted to propose. 

Dolly. The wretch ! He asked me to go driving, too : 
and I accepted. 

May. When did he ask you f 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 7 

Dolly. About eleven o'clock this morning. 

May. Well, deary, you are playing- second fiddle; he 
asked me at ten. 

Belle. Another one made unhappy ! 

Dolly. Won't I make his life miserable for him on that 
drive. I think New York men are horribly deceitful ! 

May. {with inflectioii) Indeed ! 

Dolly. He actually had the effrontery to intimate that 
he had been looking forward to driving with me for a week. 
The brute ! 

Belle. I'm so glad you accepted his invitation, Doll. A 
second declination might have driven him to me, and third 
fiddle would have been simply unendurable. I should have 
been driven to melancholia. 

Dolly. I don't know but what I prefer that to being 
driven to Seabright with him. {She bites a bon-bon sav- 
agely.) 

May, Why, dear, you are actually angry ! 

Dolly. No ; only mad ! 

Belle. A distinction without a difference. 

Dolly. Pardon me ; there is a difference. 

May. What is it ? 

Dolly, {finishing the bon-bon with an emphatic craunch) 
I could bite him ! ! 

Belle. Horrors ! Will somebody please get a muzzle. 

May. Oh ! botheration ! Let's drop the men and discuss 
something more profitable. You were speaking about that 
novel. Belle, when I interrupted you with my nonsense. 
What is it ? 

Belle. Mr, Colfax's latest. Have you read it ? 

May. No. What is its title ? 

Belle. Miss Dawcett ; A Moder7i Romance. 

Dolly. Is it good ? 

Belle. For nothing! Here's a sample {picking up the 
book and reading in a melodramatic style), " O Leon ! my 
darling, you ask me if I am willing to give up all for love. 
You ask me that ! When you know that if you should tell 
me to leap into the co-o-ld, dark sea I should do so, happy 
that I was dying at your behest. Leon, woman exists only 
for man. There is no value in living without some strong 
bosom on which to rest her timid, tender heart." Think of 
a man writing such truck as that and putting it into the 
mouth of the Nineteenth Century woman ! Pah ! It is 
sickening ! {She shuts the book, and tossing it down o?i the 
floor, puts her foot disdainfully on it.) 

May. I wonder where he gets his ideas of women from ? 



'8 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Dolly, {slyly) Probably from New York, dear. He lives 
there, doesn't he ? 

May. Yes, my own ; but he was born in Philadelphia and 
spent his early life there. His heroines are probably col- 
ored by his early impressions. 

Dolly. Then his memory has been distorted by the 
years he has spent away from there. The mamiishncss of the 
average New York maiden has probably driven him to the 
other extreme. 

. May. Dolly Mayfair, I consider that a libel upon the girls 
of my city. I want you to remember that I am from New 
York. 

Dolly. {pifyi?igly) Poor New York ! 

Belle, ijioldmg up the bon-bon box) There ! There ! You 
two are always fighting over your native cities. It is really 
very bad form. Sweeten up, dears, and confine your re- 
marks to Miss Daivcett and its illustrious writer. I think 
we girls owe it to our sex to enlighten him upon some 
things. 

Dolly. What a delightful subject he will be for experi- 
mentation. But you must count me out. Fm afraid of 
him. 

Belle. Afraid of him ? Of a man ! 

Dolly. To be sure ! I'm not an Amazon. He is so big 
and broad and distinguished that he quite overwhelms poor 
little me. 

May. Yes, but he has lovely eyes, and a perfect dream 
of a mustache ; and his voice — his voice — Oh ! it haunts me 
still ! {Enter Mr. Colfax from door.) 

Colfax, {tossing the stump of a cigar onto the drive) 
Whose voice has the honor of haunting Miss McCollum ? 

May. {sotto voce) Mercy ! {aloud) Why — er — how you 
startled me ! 

Colfax. Awfully sorry. Perhaps I had better go back 
and try it over again. Maybe then I shall find out the 
name of the lucky individual whose voice haunts you. 

Dolly. Ha ! ha ! You are just as likely to find out if 
you stay. 

Belle. Pray, how is it you have absented yourselves so 
long from the ladies since lunch ? 

Colfax. A letter kept me, and, of course, the inevitable 
cigar, but the sound of your voices drew me even from that 
charmer. 

Belle, {languidly) That's rather lame, Mr. Colfax. I 
notice your cigar — as usual — took precedence of the ladies. 
That is the way with you men. And even now, I warrant, 



I 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 9 

you only sacrificed the stump. A cigar lias its limitations, 
like everything else. 

Colfax, {smilingly stroking his mustache and lazily seat- 
ing himself in a steainer chair) Yes, Miss Walling ; a cigar 
has its limitations. In that respect it is very much like 
woman. 

Belle, {icily) Ah ! indeed ! Pray tell us in what manner 
we women have the honor of resembling the weed. 

Colfax. Well, just as a cigar begins to grow really fas- 
cinating we men have to tear ourselves away from it or it 
singes our mustaches. You know, or, pardon me, you don't 
know, the sweetest part of a cigar to an old smoker is the 
stump. As with the cigar, so with woman. Just as one 
begins to enjoy the sweets of her society she grows danger- 
ous by falling in love — and, presto ! We men have to leave 
or suffer the consequences. 

May. {i?igenuously) Dear me ! do women really fall in 
love nowadays ? I thought all that nonsense was a thing 
of the past — or of novels {demurely). 

Colfax. Where do you get such ideas, my dear Miss 
McCollum ? From the book that lies neglected at Miss 
Walling's feet ? What is it ? May I see ? 

Belle, {indiffereyitly) Really, what was I reading ? Oh ! 
yes, I remember ! To be sure you may see it. {She drags 
one slippered foot carelessly over it just as he stoops to pick 
it up) 

Colfax. How disdainfully you treat it. Who is the un- 
fortunate author ? — ah ! — I see ! 

Belle, {maliciously) Do you happen to know the 
book? 

Colfax. I think I have seen it somewhere. What do 
you think of it ? 

Belle, {critically) It is printed on excellent paper. 

Colfax. Yes ? 

Belle. And is well bound. 

Colfax. Again yes ? 

Belle. And has some lovely illustrations. 

Colfax. The essentials having been so felicitously com- 
mented upon, what do you think of the unessential — the 
story ? 

Belle, {as if she had forgotten that part of the book) Oh ! 
the story ! Well, it has a fair plot, is well punctuated and 
I haven't noticed any misspelled words, but — 

Colfax. Yes—" but " ? 

Belle. But its heroine is an anachronism. There ! As 
you've insisted on my judgment, you have it unglossed. 



lO AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Colfax, {bowing) And how, may I ask, is the heroine an 
anachronism ? 

Belle. She is entirely too namby-pamby and wishy- 
washy for this age. The days of F'annie Burney's weeping 
Niobes have passed away forever. It is entirely out of date 
for your heroine to talk of dying for a man, or to declare 
that she exists only for his Royal Highness. If you will 
pardon a friend's frankness, Mr. Colfax, that is pure rubbishy 
sentimentalism. 

Colfax, {arising with an extravagaiit gesture of mock 
despair) I am crushed ! — demolished ! — flattened out into an 
unrecognizable novelist — and by a woman ! — a frail, delicate 
woman ! Ye gods ! I am ruined ! I shall never again 
dare to touch her. I shall have to write my next novel 
without a heroine — but — ha ! {tragi-comically) has Miss 
Walling ever been in love ? 

Belle. Mercy! I? In love? Dear me, never! 

Colfax. Then I really must decline to accept you as an 
authority on sentiment. If you have never been in love 
you are not a competent critic. How about that, Miss May- 
fair ? Am I not right ? 

Dolly, {humming) " You are right, and Belle is right, 
and all is right as right can be." 

May. {biting another bon-bon) By the way, Mr. Colfax, have 
you really ever been in love either ? 

Belle, {clapping her hands) Bravo ! May ; bravo ! 

Dolly. One good turn deserves another, Mr. Colfax. 
" The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth !" 

Colfax. Frankly, ladies, no ; never ! 

May. Then you — 

Dolly. Shouldn't write^ 

Belle. About love ! 

Colfax, {addressing the heavens) *' Othello's occupation's 
gone !" 

Belle. I have a bright idea, Mr. Colfax. 

Colfax. Illumine me with it. 

Belle. If you really can't fall in love after a fair effort, 
get some one who has been through the mill to look after 
your heroines and their love affairs. In other words, a 
literary partner wouldn't be a bad idea for you. 

May. a course in the School of Love, under Professor 
Cupid, would be the best, though. 

Colfax. Mirabile dictu ! A Daniel come to judgment. 
Miss Walling, your suggestion does you credit. I will act 
upon it in my very next work. But I must away to my 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER II 

desk. Fourteen letters to write and a story for Harpers 
before midnight. Adios ! 

Belle. Adieu. 

May. Must you go ! 

Dolly. Farewell. {Exit Mr. Colfax — door') ^ 

May. He's delicious ! 

Dolly. He's sweet ! 

Belle. Stuff! He's spoiled, and by women, too. 

Dolly. What a noble work it will be to unspoil him ! 

May. Glorious ! but how ? 

Belle. Take the conceit out of him! Cr — r — r— ush 
him ! 

May. The contract is yours, dear. Go in and win. 
{Enter Mr. Pennington — rigJit) 

Mr. Penn. {excitedly) Have any of you ladies seen 
Colfax ? 

Belle. He has just gone to his rooms. 

Dolly Harry, what on earth's the matter with you ? 
You look as if you had been in a fight. 

Mr. Penn. {Jiercely) I have been insulted 1 

All. How ? Why ? By whom ? 

Mr. Penn. {shaking his fist at an imaginary enemy) That 
scoundrel Van Artsdalen and I had some words about the 
speed of our horses, and he finally called me a— a liar !— 
me, a liar — think of it ! 

May. Well, what did you do then ? 

Mr. Penn. {zinping his face) I called him another! 

Dolly, {disappointedly) Is that all? O Penny! the 
honor of Philadelphia is at stake. 

Mr. Penn. It is safe in my hands. It is pistols for two 
to-morrow morning at six I 

Belle. Mercy ! 

May. You're joking ? 

Dolly. O Penn.! that's too much! Why don't you 
run your horses, or pitch pennies, or something. 

Mr. Penn. {ferociously) It is blood! b-1 — o — o — d! 
Where's Colfax ? He must be my second ! {Exit through 
door) 

Belle. Well, give me a man for foolishness ! 
Dolly. It was contemptible, though, of Mr. Van Arts- 
dalen to call Penn. a liar. 

May. {warmly) I suppose he deserved it ! 
Dolly. I don't believe he did. Penny's as truthful as 
the simlight. Why, he's a Quaker ! 

May. And Ward's a New Yorker, I'd have you know. 
Dolly. Guilty on the first count ! 



12 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

May. Do you mean to insinuate, Miss Mayfair, that a 
New Yorker would tell an untruth ? 

Dolly, {stiffly) I never insinuate. 

May. {Jiotly) I beg your pardon, but you do ! 

Dolly, {hotly) I he.^your pardon, but I do 710 1 ! 

Belle. Goodness, gracious ! You girls are equal to two 
children. The next thing I'll have to second another duel. 
Peace ! Peace ! We must set our wits to work to keep 
these bloody-minded men from doing each other harm. 
{Enter Mr. Van Artsdalen — left) 

Mr. Van. {excitedly) Say, May, have you seen Colonel 
Lee about ? I want him. 

May. Not since luncn. Ward. What's the trouble ? 

Mr. Van. Why, that infernal ninny, Pennington, has 
called me a liar, and I am going to have his heart's blood! 

Belle. Oh ! I wouldn't. It might kill him. 

Mr. Van. {fiercely) Th3 blood of the Van Artsdalens 
would turn to water in my veins if I did not wipe out this 
insult ! I must find Lee. {Exit door) 

Belle, {in alarm) It is getting serious. It would be 
dreadful if they should really come to blows. 

May. Well, if the worst comes to the worst, I hope Ward 
won't get hurt. 

Dolly. And I hope Penn. wont get injured. 

May. He deserves to be for being so ungentlemanly. 

Dolly. My compliments, and the same sentiments for 
Mr. Van Artsdalen ! 

Belle. Dear me ! What shall I do with such a lot ol 
fire-eaters ? I believe the whole world's gone wrong. 

May. You haven't a particle of spunk. 

Dolly. You're neither flesh, fowl, nor good red herring! 

Belle. W'lat have I done ? 

May. Why don't you sympathize with Ward ? ( Walks 
azvav to right in a huff) 

Dolly. Why don't you sympathize with Penn. ? ( Walks 
away to left in a huff) 

Belle, {staring helplessly after each retreating form) 
Well ! well ! What shall I do to restore peace ? I must see 
Mr. Colfax, and at once. {She starts to enter the door at the 
same moment that Mr. Colfax is coming out. Result, they 
run into each other) 

Belle. I beg your pardon ! How you starded me ! 

^ Colfax. Here's a pretty how d' ye do. These two 

silly chaps are bound to fight each other, and Penn. insists 

on my being his second ! {At the i?istant of this encounter, 

May at the right extreme and Dolly at the left extreme of 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 1 3 

the piazza, walk into the arms of Mr. Van. and Mr. Penn. 
respectively') 

May. Mercy ! how you frightened me ! 

Mr. Van. It is blood ! But I can't find Lee anywhere. 

May. I'll help you hunt for him. {He and May go out — 
left) 

Dolly, {at the other extretne) Goodness ! how you scared 
me. 

Mr. Penn. Ha ! It is setded ! To-morrow morning at 
six. Revolvers. Ten paces. {Exeunt both — right) 

{N. B. — Action in all three collisions must be simultaneous ; 
dialogue coiisecutive) 

Colfax. {remaini7ig at the door wHJi'^yaa.y) What is to be 
done if this frenzy keeps up ? 

Belle. If they insist on fighting, it must be with blank, 
cartridges, of course. 

Colfax. That's the bother of the thing. Colonel Lee is 
an old war dog and he will probably insist that everything 
be done on the square. He'll be for tragedy, not comedy. 

Belle. Can't the police prevent it ? 

Colfax. Yes, if the worst comes to the worst. But 
think of the publicity. We should all figure in to-morrow's 
papers in a most ridiculous light. 

Belle. Horrors ! but can't we get rid of the Colonel in 
some way ? 

Colfax. Ha ! ha ! we might kidnap him to-night. 

Belle. V/hy not send him a bogus telegram, summoning 
him home to New York before the duel comes off? 

Colfax. Beautiful ! We'll do it ! I know the name of 
his partner, and I'll sign his name to a dispatch that shall 
read thus : " The store is in flames. Come home at once." 

Belle. That will work, I am sure. 

Colfax. But what on earth will we do for a second for 
Van ? He'll distrust me, because I am Penn.'s aid, and 
might insist on examining the weapons too closely if I at- 
tempted to act for both. 

Belle. Why, can't I take the Colonel's place ? 

Colfax, {amused) You? 

Belle. Yes ; why not ? We'll bribe Eddie to deliver the 
dispatch in time to get the Colonel off on the 5.15 train in 
the morning, and I shall appear on the scene opportunely 
and offer my services — reluctantly, of course — at your sug- 
gestion. 

Colfax. Have you the nerve to carry it out ? 

Belle. Try me. Why I am positively not even afraid 
of a mouse. 



14 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Colfax. Ha ! ha ! That is sufficient proof. 

Belle. Those belHgerent fellows must be kept apart 
this evening. In their present state they are likely to dis- 
grace us at any moment. 

Colfax. Can't Miss Mayfair and Miss McCollum be 
trusted to look after them ? 

Belle. Oh ! dear no ! They are as eager for war as the 
men. It's New York versus Philadelphia, and you know 
what that means. Why, they are even down on poor me 
because I don't sympathize with their different opinions. 

Colfax. Well, I'll go and attend to the bogus dispatch 
and the bell boy, and leave you to look after the warring 
factions. 

Belle. Mercy ! The responsibility overwhelms me 1 
But I'll do my best. Good-bye! 

Colfax. Farewell ! {Exit door.) {Loud conversation is 
heard to right.) 

Belle. I wonder who is coming? Such a chatter of 
tongues ! {Enter May and Mr. Van Artsdalen, both talk- 
ing excitedly.) 

Belle, {with gesture of despair) The engagement has 
begun ! 

May. {to Ward) Ward Van Artsdalen, the honor of New 
York rests upon you to-morrow. You must be worthy of 
your ancient name, and conquer the ignoble Quaker ! 

Mr. Van. {raising- his hand aloft) I will! I will! By 
George, May, I shall punch his nose if I meet him. To- 
morrow is too far away. 

May. {rapturously) Oh ! aren't you lovely ? I'm so sorry I 
declined going driving with you to-morrow ; and to think 
you asked that deceitful little minx, Dolly Mayfair ! 

Mr. Van. 'Twas Hobson's choice — you wouldn't and 
she would. But I suppose the drive's off now. 

May. Why .? 

Mr. Van. {tragically) I may be cold in death ! 

May {bursting into tears) Don't, Ward ! You can't 
m 2an it ! 

Mr. Van. You don't suppose we are doing this thing for 
fun, do you ? 

May. {sobbing) Oh ! I didn't really think you would shoot 
each other with real bullets. 

Mr. Van. {with sarcasm) What did you expect us to use ? 
Pea-shooters ? 

May. {convulsively) No-o — o ! but you could shoot up in 
the air, like they do in the plays. It would be so noble and 
magnanimous 1 



I 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 1 5 

Mr. Van. Fiddlesticks ! Magnanimous with that fellow ! 
He don't know the meaning of the word. No, May ; either 
he or I must redden the sands of the shore with our blood. 

May. {catching sight of Belle at the entrance) O Belle ! 
what shall we do ? Ward and Mr. Pennington are in dead 
earnest. It's dreadful ! I don't want anybody killed ! 

Belle. Mr. Van Artsdalen do be forgiving ! 

May. Yes, do ! 

Mr. Van. Neve-r-r-r ! 

Belle, {sotto voce) Suppose they meet in this frame of 
mind! There will be bloodshed sure. I must get him 
away. I wonder if he can be intimidated? {Aloud) Mr. 
Van Artsdalen, I wouldn't advise you to spend much time 
around here just now. 

Mr. Van. Why not, pray ? {boldly^ 

Belle. Mr. Pennington is looking for yoxx with a six- 
shooter. He declares he won't wait till to-morrow. And I 
know from positive evidence he's a dead shot. 

May. i^iei'vously) O Ward ! Ward ! He may be aiming 
at you now from somewhere ! 

Mr. Van. {dodging) He wouldn't murder me, would he ? 

Belle. He's a dangerous man when he is aroused. 

May. Ward, go to your room, do ! There's a dear good 
fellow. Mercy ! What is that ? I hear his voice ! Go ! 

Belle, {pushing him) Yes; go I Quick!! (Mr. Van. 
rtishes through door.) {Enter, left, Dolly and Mr. Pen- 
nington.) 

Dolly, {to Penn.) You musn't show the white feather, or 
all Philadelphia shall know your shame. 

Mr. Penn. {boldly) You know me well enough for that, 
Dolly. 

Dolly. To think of calhng you a liar ! 

Mr. Penn. {zvith rising wrath) Only to think ! By Gad ! 
I could wring his neck, the villain ! 

Dolly. I shall be on hand to witness the encounter. 

Mr. Penn. 'Twill be no place for women. 

Dolly. Why not ? 

Mr. Penn. {gloomily) Suppose I am killed ! 

Dolly. Ugh ! Don't ! I hadn't thought of that. 

Mr. Penn. Well, I had. You don't imagine we are jest- 
ing, do you ? 

Dolly. Jesting ? No ; but I didn't think you would try 
to kill each other. 

Mr. Penn. {sardonically) Ha ! ha ! ha ! What'd you ex- 
pect us to do ? Throw sand in each other's eyes and then 
cry " Quits " ? 



l6 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Dolly, {in tears) Oh ! If you are really serious, I don't 
think I want you to fight ! 

Mr. Penn. {to tJie Iieavens) Give me a woman for con- 
sistency ! Here you've been egging me on, Dolly Mayfair, 
and now you want me to back down ! 

Dolly, {sobbing) Well, you both might be killed — and 
that would be dreadful ! 

Mr. Pemn. {gloomily^ If I fall, Dolly, will you write to my 
parents that I died for the honor of my city ? 

Dolly, {wit Ji f res Ji sobs) Yes — y-e — s — Penny. I w-i — 11; 
but cu — cu — couldn't you sa-sa — save — the city's ho — ho — 
honor i"h some o-o — other way ! 

Mr. Penn. {tragically) No ! By heavens, it is blood and 
blood alone will wipe the stain away ! 

Dolly, {spying May and Belle in entrance) O girls ! it 
is horrible ! They're going to kill each other ! Can't we 
prevent it in some way ? 

May. {sobbing afresh) Oh ! Mr. — Mr. — Pen — Pen — Pen- 
nington, do be merciful. 

Belle. Yes, do, and we girls will adore you. 

Dolly. Yes — yes — please do. Penny, — tha — tha — that's 
a de — de — dear, good fellow ! 

Mr. Penn, {grandly) The tears of women are of no avail 
where honor is at stake ! 

Belle, {sotto voce) I must take the wind out of his sail, 
too. {Aloud) Mr. Pennington, with the permission of the 
ladies, I would like a word with you in private. 

Mr, Penn. A dozen, if you like. {They step a few paces 
away.) 

Belle. As a friend, I would advise you not to show 
yourself much around here before the duel. 

Mr, Penn. I should like to know why. Do you imagine 
I fear my antagonist ? That ! for him ! {Snappbig his fin- 
gers) 

Bell. He is armed with a six-shooter, and he was here 
just a moment ago vowing vengeance on you. He will 
shoot you on sight if he gets the chance. I really don't feel 
safe standing by your side. He is a dead shot, too. You 
had better get to your room and not appear till time for the 
duel. 

Mr. Penn. {nei'vously looking over his shoulder) I — I 
didn't think he was such a fiend ! 

Belle. Oh ! he's a perfect fire-eater. Be wise while it 
is yet time. Hark ! I hear a step ! Go ! — for your life ! 
(Mr. Penn. daiHs to left a?id disappears) {Enter ^ door, Mr. 
Colfax.) 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 1/ 

Colfax. Everything- is arranged. 

Belle. I am so glad you have returned ! I have had 
my hands full keeping those mad men apart. 

May. It is horrible ! 

Dolly. It is dreadful ! 

Belle. Dears, you had both better go to your rooms. 
It must not appeal' that we have had anything to do with 
the wretched affair. Just suppose it should get into the 
papers ! 

May. Horrors ! 

Belle. And your eyes are all red with weeping ; you 
will attract attention. Do be sensible, both of you, and go ! 

Dolly. My head is bursting ; 1 guess I will take your 
advice. 

May. And I. too. {Exeunt both, centre) 

Belle, {fetching a long breath) There ! They're all gone. 
Oh ! what a strain my poor nerves have been on ! And I 
have told some dreadful fibs ! 

Colfax, {smiling) They were for a good cause, no doubt. 
How did you manage the men ? 

Belle. Told each one that the other was hunting for 
him with a six-shooter. The way they sought cover was 
killing ; I could have roared only for the woebegone faces 
of Dolly and May. The fight is all out of the quartette. 
The duel will be a perfect farce. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Colfax. Unless Colonel Lee's telegram fails to do its 
work. 

Belle. That would be awful ! It mustn't ! I shall get 
up at four o'clock to-morrow morning and see that Eddie 
does his duty. 

Colfax. You are an admirable woman. I forgive you 
for handling my book without gloves. 

Belle. Has a word to the wise been sufficient ? 

Colfax. It has. After the duel— ha ! ha ! ha !— I want 
to speak with you further in reference to that partnership 
which you were brilliant enough to suggest. But the duel 
is paramount now. Remember, to-morrow morning at six, 
on the mile beach. Till then, adieu ! {Exit Mr. C— right.) 

Belle, {looking after him) He's not such a bad fellow, 
after all. His one fault is that he doesn't understand women 
{striking- a serio-comic attitude), and mine shall be the duty 
to enlighten him ! {A bell rings loudly.) Mercy ! the dinner 
bell ! and I'm not dressed. I must fly ! ! {Exit— left.) 

{Curtai?i) 



Act II. 

SCENE. — Should represejit a strip of sandy beach with the 
ocean stretching away in the backgroiDid. The ribs of 
an old wreck project above the sand to right and a sand- 
dune with patches of coarse grass and bay plants growing 
on it^ to left. 

{Enter, left, Belle a7id Mr. Colfax, Mr. C. carrying a 
hand-bag?^ 

Colfax. Thank heavens ! the Colonel is off to New York. 
I followed him to the depot to make sure that he took the 
train. 

Belle. Glorious ! Have you attended to the loading of 
the revolvers with blanks ? 

Colfax. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Yes ; the deadly missiles are in 
place. 

Belle. I wonder if the duelists will really appear ? 

Colfax. I think so, but I imagine they are both heartily 
sick of the whole business. They haven't showed their 
faces since yesterday afternoon. 

Belle. Ha ! ha ! each one regards the other as an assas- 
sin, thanks to my fibs. 

Colfax. Ah ! there comes Harry Pennington, and yes — 
by George ! Dolly Mayfair with him. (iS'/z/t'r, /<?/?, Mr. Penn. 
and Dolly.) 

Colfax. Well, my boy, you're on time, I see. Nerves 
all right ? 

Pennington. Er — er — where's my adversary ? 

Colfax, He hasn't honored us with his presence yet. 

Penn. {brightening) Do you think he will show the white 
feather ? 

Colfax, {cheerfully) No, he'll be here, I'm sure. 

Belle. Yes, there he comes with May. 

Dolly. O Harry ! 

Penn. {gloomily) 'Twill soon be over ! {Enter right, Mr. 
Van Artsdalen with May.) 

Colfax, {cheerfully) Well, here we all are ! 

Penn. {sardonically) Colfax is as cool as if it were a song 
and dance show instead of a duel. It's none of his funeral, 
that's the reason. 

Dolly. I think he is detestable, and there is Belle Wall- 
i8 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER I9 

ing actually smiling at some remark of his ! She is utterly- 
heartless ! 

Van a. {stopping near the wreck) Er — er — where is the 
Colonel ? 

Colfax. He received a dispatch before five this morn- 
ing that his store in New York was in jfiames and he just 
had time to make the train. He sent his regrets and wished 
you the best kind of luck. 

Penn. {aside to Dolly) The Colonel's excessively 
kind! 

Van. a. But who is to be my second ? 

May. You mustn't think of fighting without one ! 

Dolly, {eagerly) No, indeed ! 

Colfax. How would Miss Walling do in the emergency? 

Van a. Miss Walling ! She is only a woman ! 

Belle. Any port in a storm. Mr. Van Artsdalen, you 
surely won't disappoint Mr. Pennington by refusing to fight, 
tor such a trifle as the absence of your expected second ? 

May. {sottovoce) The shameless thing! 

Van a. {desperately) All right ! anything to end the sus- 
pense. 

Colfax. Very well ! To your positions, gentlemen. 
The sun is on your side so there is no choice. (Mr. Van A. 
andyi^. Penn. take their places, the one by the wreck the other 
by the dime') Gentlemen, this is to be a duel at ten paces, 
if I remember rightly, not a thousand yards, more or less. 
Let me step it off {He does so^^ There ! Mr. Van Artsdalen, 
you will stand at this line, and Mr. Pennington at this. 

Penn. Er — it seems to me that is pretty close. 

Colfax, {sternly) You are going to fight with revolvers, 
not long range cannon, aren't you ? 

Penn. {weaklv) Ye-es. 

Colfax. Well, let us have no further parleying, but get 
down to business. Miss Walling, the weapons, please ! 
(Belle opens the bag and takes out the revolvers^ 

May.' Ugh! 

Dolly. Ugh ! ( They reti^eat together to front ofd?me) 

Colfax. That's right, ladies. Get well out of range, the 
bullets might miss their mark and hit one of you. 

May. Mercy ! 

Dolly. Oh ! Oh ! (Belle ha?ids one revolver to Mr. 
Colfax and retains the other) 

Colfax. Gentlemen, your weapons are read}''. {He a?id 
Belle advance to their respective principals and offer the re- 
volvers) • 

Penn. {weakly) Thanks ! 



20 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Van. {weakly) Thanks ! ( The seconds take positions to- 
ward sea on the far^ side of the duelists) (May and Dolly 
are sobbing convulsively and ai'-e looking through their fingers 
at the preparations being made for the bloody work.) 

Dolly. Oh ! They — they — are re — re — ready to shoot ! 

May. I won — wo — wonder which one will be ki — ki — • 
killed? 

Dolly. Bo — bo — bo — both of them ma — ma — may be ! 

May. And that ter — ter — terrible author is — is — smiling 
as if — he — were go — go — going to be married ! 

Dolly. And Be — Be — Belle is lo — lo — looking as pleased 
as — if — she — were — the — the bride ! 

May. Mercy ! they're aiming ! {She and Dolly bury 
their faces on each other'-' s shoulders and put their fingers in 
their ears) 

Colfax. I will count ten and as I pronounce the last 
number you will both fire. Are you ready t One ! two ! 
three ! 

Penn. Stop a moment ! Suppose neither bullet hits the 
er — er — mark ; what will we do ? 

Colfax, {inflexibly') Go right on shooting till one or the 
other of you falls. Four ! Five ! Six — 

Van. Stop ! Suppose we are both er — er — killed at the 
first fire ; what then ? 

Colfax, {sternly) Then you will both cease firing. 
Seven ! Eight ! Nine ! — 

Penn, {in great agitatioii) Hold up ! I forgot to leave 
any last words for my poor dear mother {choking). 

Colfax. It isn't customary to stop the proceedings at 
this stage, but we'll make an exception this time. Go 
ahead ! 

Penn. Tell her I — I — died with my face to the foe — and 
that my last thoughts were of her — and tell my sister — my 
poor, dear sister — who won't have any brother when I am 
gone — 

May and Dolly, {by the dune) Boo hoo — hoo — hoo ! 

Penn. That I died with my heart full of love for her — 
and tell my father, my dear old father who will miss me so 
much — that I fell with the fame of the Pennington's unsul- 
lied — and tell my blessed grandmother that I little thought 
that when I said " good-bye " to her I should never — see 
her again — 

Dolly and May. Boo hoo — hoo — hoo ! 

Penn. And tell my Grandfather Biddle that I have alwa3''S 
loved and venerated him more than any other grandfather 
I have ever had, and tell my Aunt Serena that — 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 21 

Colfax. See here, Pennington, if you are going through 
the whole family tree, I had better send for a stenographer ! 

Penn. {eagerly) Yes, do ! Pm not near through yet. 

Colfax. Can't wait any longer, old boy. It's getting 
near breakfast time, and Pm famishing. 

Dolly. The brute ! 

Colfax. Now, look out, Te — ! 

Van. {excitedly) Hold on just a moment longer ! I want 
to express a wish as to what shall be done with a few of 
my valuables if you will kindly remember them. 

Colfax, {resignedly) Certainly, old fellow, anything to 
oblige. But make it short. I smell liver and onions from 
somewhere. 

May. The wretch. (Belle with gi'-eat diffiailty is re- 
straining her laughter^ 

Van. Well, to my mother I leave my shares of Reading 
and my Government four per cents., and the Chemical 
Bank stock. To my Brother Frank I give and bequeath 
my stable of thoroughbreds — my cart and my brougham — 
and my dogs. To my elder sister Kate my shares of 
Manhattan " L " stock and my diamond scarf-pins. To my 
younger sister, Nell, I bequeath my money on deposit in 
the Chemical and my pet owl. Dodo — 

May and Dolly {afresh). Boo — hoo — hoo — hoo — 

Van. To my Uncle George I give my cabinet of rare 
coins and my pipes. To his wife, my Aunt Eleanor — my 
old china. To my — 

Colfax. See here, gentlemen, I really can't wait any 
longer. I shall simply die of starvation. Come, now ! get 
ready ! quick ! {Both dneUsts groaji, raise the revolvers and 
shut their eyes. Dolly and May drop to the groimd and hud- 
dle into each other's arrns) Now, ten ! {Both fire. Bang ! 
Bang !) {Both fall to the gromid and continue firing wildly 
straight 7ip in the air until all the chambers are exhausted^ 

Dolly. O — o — o — h ! ! 

May. O — o— o — o — h ! ! 

Colfax, {shoutijig) Come, come, come ! You'll rouse all 
New Jersey. You've done all the harm you can, now stop ! 

Mr. Van. I die ! I die ! 

Mr. Penn. I perish ! I perish ! Farewell, my poor old 
mother ! 

Colfax, {nmning to Penn. and shaking him, ivhile Van. 
co7itinues to groan, Dolly aitd May to weep, and Belle to 
stuff the handkerchief in her mouth) Stuff and nonsense, 
Harry '."you're all right ! Get up and be a man, or Pll have 
to punch your head. 



22 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Mr. Penn. Eh? eh? What! Aint I killed? 

Colfax. Killed, fiddlesticks ! you're worth a carload of 
dead men yet. Why you are not even wounded. Up you 
go ! {giving him a lift to a sitting posture^ 

Belle, {running to Mr. Van. ind shaking him also) Mr. 
Van Artsdalen, do for mercy's sake stop that dreadful noise, 
and get up ! You're not hurt. 

Mr. Van. {opening his eyes) I'm dead! 

Belle. So am I — about as much ! Come ! Stir your- 
self, or I shall cease to respect you. 

Mr. Van. Aint I hit somewhere ? 

Belle. No! No! Not a scratch, not a hair on your 
mustache turned even. Sit up ! {He does so) 

Mr. Van. {staring at his opponent) Is he hurt? 

Belle. Not a bit. 

Mr. Van. {drawing a long breath) By George, I'm glad! 
Helloa, Penny! 

Mr. Penn. Helloa, Van! 

Colfax. Get up and shake hands like good fellows. 
You fought well — now make up nobly ! 

Mr. Penn. Van ! 

Mr. Van. Penny! {They fall upon each other's necks and 
embrace fervently) 

Dolly, {peeping over May's shoulder) Oh ! mercy I 
they're not dead after all ! They're — they're — why tiiey're 
actually embracing each other ! 

May. {staring) Well, I never did! 

Dolly. Neither did I ! {They arise and timidly approach 
the duelists a?id seconds) 

Belle, {laughing) Isn't it glorious, girls ? The honor of 
New York and of Philadelphia is saved and not a drop of 
blood spilled! 

May. Lovely! 

Dolly. Perfect ! (May and Dolly also embrace rap- 
turously) 

Colfax, {laughing) We're not in fashion, Miss Walling. 
We shall at least have to shake hands. 

Belle, {laughing) " Everybody is happy and the goose 
hangs high." ( They shake ha?ids) 

Colfax. I'll wager they're cured of dueling. 

Belle. To their dying day ! 

Mr. Penn. {emergi??g smilijig fi^om the arms of Mr. Van. 
and looking at the sky) Ah ! Isn't it a lovely day ? I didn't 
appreciate it before. 

Mr. Van. {taking a long breath) I thought my lungs had 
lost their job. Ah ! that sea breeze is glorious 1 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 23 

May. {approaching) Van, you did nobly ! 

Dolly, {approaching) Penny, you're a hero! 

Mr. Penn. {?7iodestly) I don't feel like one. 

Mr. Van. What asses we were ! 

Mr. Penn. Amen! 

Belle. " Let the dead past bury its dead." We've an 
hour before breakfast. Let's sit here and enjoy this lovely 
air, while we are regaining our composure. 

May. My complexion will be ruined in this sun. 

Dolly. I'll look like a speckled Qgg if I stay here another 
half hour. 

Belle. I ordered Eddie to bring our parasols and 
some sandwiches at seven. He ought to be here pretty 
soon. 

Mr. Penn. {with dignify) Miss Walling, you seem to 
have regarded this affair as a picnic ! 

Belle, {roguishly) Oh ! 1 knew neither one of you could 
hit a barn. 

Mr. Van. Why, you told me yesterday Penn was a dead 
shot ! 

Mr. Penn. And you told me that Van. was, too. 

Colfax, {laughing) " Be sure your sin will find you out," 
Miss Walling ! 

Belle, {desperately) I told those fibs to keep you men 
from disgracing yourselves publicly. 

Mr. Penn. By George ! We did make fools of ourselves, 
Van., didn't we ? 

Mr. Van. {sadly) I'm afraid we did. Penny. 

Belle. But really I knew you couldn't hit anything. I 
saw you both practicing at different times in the shooting 
gallery, and you could neither one of you come within a 
yard of the target. 

Mr. Van. I guess you're about right. That's the reason 
I thought I was good for a funeral when I heard that Penn, 
was a dead shot. 

Mr. Penn. Same way here, old man. 

Belle, {aside to Mr. Colfax) Shall we tell them the jo 
on them about the blank cartridges ? 

Colfax, {aside) Not for worlds! Let that be a secret 
between us forever. 

Dolly. Stop your whispering, you two there ! Here 
comes that dear Eddie ! {Enter Eddie, 7'-ight, with basket 
and parasols.) 

May. {to Eddie) You jewel you ! I'm starving ! 

Eddie, {showing his teeth) Yeth'm ! Hyars somefin' sabe 
yo' life, den, sho'. Yah ! yah ! yah I {Exit.) 



24 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Colfax. Ha! ha! ha! He's a comical genius. {Open- 
ing the basket?) 

Belle. That laugh of his is a sure cure for the blues. 
{Passing the parasols.) 

Mr. Penn. {contentedly) What a glorious thing it is to be 
alive ! ( Taking a sajidwich.) 

Mr. Van. I never appreciated living before. {Doing 
the same.) 

Colfax. This is high living. {Biting a sandzvich.) {The 
gi'-oup sits on sand sideways to the audience in sprawli?ig 
seashore fashion. The sun is supposed to be ocea?iward, he^ice 
the parasols will slant that way and every action can be seen by 
audience?) 

Colfax, {digging in sa?id) Miss Walling, I feel like a 
boy to-day ! Shall I make you a back rest } {Pilifig up 
the sand behind her.) 

Belle. You lovely man ! 

Mr. Penn. Singular thing, but I feel uncommonly gay. 
One would suppose I should feel dreadfully sober after the 
"late unpleasantness," but Pdon't. 

Colfax. Reaction, my boy ! 

Dolly. The same principle, I suppose, that makes me 
want to giggle and laugh and cut up outrageously the very 
moment a funeral is over. 

Mr. Van. Please don't mention funerals. I don't want 
even to read the obituaries in the papers for the next ten 
years. 

Dolly. Oh ! do let me have our dear old Public Ledger 
sent you from Philadelphia. It's like going through a ceme- 
tery to read its obituary page — epitaphs and all are there. 

Mr. Penn. {reciting) " We had a little Willie once, 

He was our joy and pride, 
But ah ! he was too frail for earth, 
For soon he slept and died." 

Dolly. " Gone to meet his step-mother." 

Mr. Van. Stop ! stop ! Pm in a cold perspiration already. 

Mr. Penn. Well, to change the subject, Pve noticed a 
singular thing about my hair. 

Colfax. That you haven't much ? 

Mr. Van. That it isn't your own ? 

Mr. Penn. No ! but every time I come to the seashore, 
instead of having beautiful brown locks I have sandy hair 
inside of twelve hours. ( The whole party collapses with 7nel- 
aficholy groans?) 

Mr. Van. {fai?itly) Penny ! 

Mr. Penn. {proudly) Anything I can do for you, my boy ? 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 25 

Mr. Van. {still more fainilv) Water ! 

Mr. Penn. {tragically) Ha ! what my bullets failed to do 
my pun has accomplished. 'Tis well ! 

Colfax, {silting up and breathing hard) Don't ! old man, 
don't ! or, like Sampson, you will slay your thousands. 

Mr. Van. And with one of Sampson's weapons, too. 

May. What's that ? 

Mr. Van. {prepa^dng to flee) The jaw-bone of an — 

Mr. Penn. Villain ! {He grapples Mr. Van., and they tus- 
sle until they both fall exhausted at the feet of the ladies) 

Belle. Please, do stop. It makes me warm to look at 
you. 

May. {sternly) Ward Van Artsdalen, there is no one to 
hold my parasol ! 

Mr. Van. {throwiyig himself beside her, meekly) Thy slave 
is here, 

Mr. Penn. Your fate warns me in time. {He rectifies 
beside Dolly.) 

Colfax. Miss Walling, let's look for shells. 

Belle. Very well. ( The two get up and exit right, 
leaving the two couples under the parasols. Some very ef- 
fective by-play now begi?is. Dolly a?id Mr, Penn. are 
seated toivard the dune, May ajid Mr. Van. toward the 
wreck. Gi'-adtially the two vien shift the parasols so that they 
are partially shut ofl^ from each other s view. Before things 
cuhninate, an alternating dialogjie takes place as follows :) 

Mr. Penn. Dolly, don't you think that parasol had bet- 
ter be moved a little ? The sun seems to be inquisitive. 

Dolly. You are holding the handle, Penny. Upon you 
rests the responsibility of keeping me in the shade. 

Mr. Penn. {shifting it well around so as to shut out Mr. 
Van. and May) I accept the responsibility manfully. {He 
settles down cozily beside her in such a way that she is 
nearest the audience, and oiving to the positio?i of the parasol, 
facing toward the dune. Thei^e is a bT-ief sileiice in which 
some little pantomime may be enacted of a tentatively lover-like 
nature, while Mr. Van. is goi?ig through a similar manceuvre 
with the parasol and his compa?iio?i.) 

Mr. Van. May, have you noticed how the sunshine falls 
on that distant steeple ? {pointing to right at an object sup- 
posedly in their line of vision). 

May. {shifting her position so as to see what he is pointing 
to) Isn't it lovely ! Why, what a beautiful perspective there 
is from this point of view. 

Mr. Van. {bidnging the parasol around so as to screen 
himsef and May from the view of the others) By George, 



26 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

May, I feel perfectly happy, somehow or other. {He nestles 
down by her further side, and there is silence and panioniime^ 

Mr. Penn. {j-esuming) Dolly, are you glad that I was un- 
injured in the — er — duel ? 

Dolly. What a foolish question to ask me, Penny ! 
You know that I am. 

Mr. Penn. Suppose I had died, would you have missed 
me ? 

Dolly. O Penny ! {Eloquent silence and more pan- 
tomime^ 

Mr. Van. {resuming) May, why did you decline my in- 
vitation to drive yesterday. Have you grown tired of my 
attentions ? 

May. O Ward ! I was just a little out of sorts yesterday. 
To be sure I haven't grown tired of you ! You must surely 
know me better than that. 

Mr. Van. If I had been killed would you have felt 
sorry ? 

May. Ward, don't even speak of it ! {Silence and pa?i- 
iomime.) 

Mr. Penn. Dolly, what a beautiful hand you have. {He 
takes it ; she attempts to draw it away, but he holds fast.) 

Dolly. You are holding what doesn't belong to you ! 

Mr. Penn. {innocently) Why, you asked me to hold your 
parasol for you. 

Dolly. I refer to my hand. {She again attempts to with- 
draw it.) 

Mr. Penn. 'Tis such a little thing. I wish it were mine ! 
{Silence again and pantomime?) 

Mr. Van. May, I want to thank you for the noble way 
you stood by me through the late trouble. 

May. And I want to congratulate you that you came 
through it all so grandly. 

Mr. Van. I do not regret the duel at all. 

May. Why, Ward ! 

Mr. Van. It has made me realize more fully how sweet 
and lovely you are. 

May. Oh ! {Silence, etc., etc.) 

Mr. Penn. Dolly, your sweet sympathy and encourage- 
ment have been more fatal to me than Van.'s bullets. 

Dolly, {softly) Have they ? 

Mr. Penn. (kissing her hand) Dear, will you give me 
this little hand forever ? 

Dolly. What would I do without it ? 

Mr. Penn. O darling ! you must go with the hand. {Des- 
perately) Dolly, I love you ! 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 27 

Dolly. This is so sudden ! 

Mr. Penn. But none the less sweet, is it, dear? 

Dolly. No-o — o. {Silence and eloquent pantomime^ 

Mr. Van. Darhng ! I-I— 

May. Ward, you forget yourself! 

Mr. Van. {desperately) I forget words! May, I — , will 
you be mine ? ( Taking her hand.) 

May. Your duel has driven you crazy ! {Attempting to 
withdi-^aw her hand.) 

Mr. Van. Dear, I love you ! There ! May I hope even 
a little bit ? 

May. {drooping her head) Ye-es, dear ! {Eloquent silence 
and pantomime. The silence under the parasols becomes com- 
plete : all the pantomime action that the nature of the situa- 
tions suggest is in order. Enter Belle and Mr. Colfax, 
right background, talking.) 

Colfax. Miss Walling, I am going to ask an extraordi- 
nary thing of you. 

Belle. You alarm me. 

Colfax. You are to blame. You suggested a literary 
partner to help me in my next novel. Will you be that 
partner ? 

Belle. I ? You are jesting ! 

Colfax. I was never more serious. Please say yes. 

Belle. Ha ! ha ! ha ! That is the most ridiculous prop- 
osition to which I have ever listened. I can't write at all ! 

Colfax. You needn't write much. You can criticise 
and suggest, and look after the love-making in the story. 

Belle. Charming plan ! But I am not an authority in 
love, as you remarked yesterday. 

Colfax. You are a woman and a woman may learn 
intuitively what a man could never acquire except by actual 
experience. I have set my heart on your consenting to my 
plan. Do not disappoint me. 

Belle. Very well, I agree ; you must be responsible 
for all the consequences of your foolhardy proposition. 

Colfax. I accept them all. Then that is settled. We 
will begin this very afternoon. 

Belle. Very well. But isn't it nearly breakfast time ? 

Colfax, {taking out his watch) Five minutes of eight. 

Belle, {turnijig and catching sight of the parasols) That 
looks serious. They have shut us out in the cold. 

Colfax. The duel has brought things to a head, evi- 
dently. Oh ! Cupid has strange ways. 

Belle. We must disturb those parasols if we want a hot 
breakfast ! 



28 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 



• 



Colfax, {throwing some sand against theni) Hey, Penny I 
Van ! Ladies ! Breakfast ! 

Mr. Van. {in snuffled to?ies) Throw breakfast to the dogs ! 

Mr. Penn. Bother breakfast ! 

Belle. {reciti7ig) " We can Hve without love ; what is 

love but repining ? 
But where is the man who can live 
without dining ?" 

Come, girls, I am approaching ; I shall confiscate those 
sunshades. (Mr. Penn. and Mr. Van. hastily remove their 
ainns from arozc?zd the waists a?id their heads from the shoul- 
ders of their respective sweethearts^) 

Belle, {rnthlessly removing the pj'-otecting shade f^om each 
and shaking her finger at them) You've been making love ! 

May. How do you know ? 

Belle. Your hair is tumbling down, 

Dolly, {springing up) Don't mind her. May. Another 
case of sour grapes. 

Belle, {throwing a handful of sand at Dolly) Wretch ! 

Dolly, {returniiig sand) There! 

Colfax, {sniffing the air) I smell ham ! I must away ! 

Mr. Penn. So do I. {Sotto voce to Dolly) I am starv- 
ing, my own ! 

Dolly, {reproachfully) How can you be if you really 
love me ? 

Mr. Penn. Dear, I — {he is interrupted by a handftil of 
sand, th'ow?i <!^ Mr. Van., striking him in the back.) 

Mr. Penn. {wildly) Who threw that? Show me the vil- 
lain. 

Mr. Van. I, sirrah, am he ! What have you to say 
to it? 

Mr. Penn. Pistols and coffee for two. Prepare to die ! 
{He points his finger <2/ Mr. Van.) 

Mr. Van. Beware, boaster ! {He points his finger at 
Mr. Penn.) 

Belle. Another duel ! 

Colfax. Be quick ! Fire ! ! (Mr. Penn. a7id Mr. Van. 
both say " baiig T " bayig P' a7id fall stiffly back into the arms 
of their respective sweethearts. Belle and Mr. Colfax take 
out haiidkerchiefs a^id pretend to weep.) 

{Curtain falls on tableau) 



Act IIL ' 
SCENE I. — Same as opening act. 
TIME. — Three weeks later. 

{Eiiter Mr. Penn. ; door>j 

Mr. Penn. {looking at diamond ring which he holds in his 
fiyigers and soliloquizing) Well, my brief dream is ended ! 
Three weeks of bliss — and now — despair ! Yes, Dolly and 
I quarreled last night. Just a trifle started it, too — a simple 
remark of mine about May looking really beautiful in her 
new gown is to blame. What was there in that ? Can't a 
man speak of another woman when he is engaged ? By 
George ! Love is a queer plant. It wants all the sunshine 
and the dew the heart can give, and will permit no single 
ray of friendship or admiration to fall on any other soil. 
Like Oliver Twist, Love sups and still cries " More !" I 
have put my heart in the Bank of Love, and the first quarrel 
has made a run upon it sufficient to bankrupt it. Confound 
it ! I shall turn cynic and drink gall 1 I shall become a 
woman-hater and bury myself in a hermitage ! Love is a 
melodrama and the actors are cheats 1 Jealousy is the vil- 
lain — the first quarrel the prompter — and hate rings down 
the curtain on the last act. Bah ! I'm done with it forever 1 
{Ejiter Mr. Van Artsdalen, door?) 

Mr. Van. {tragically) Penn, I am going to kill myself! 

Mr. Penn. {putting the riiig hastily in his pocket) What's 
up ? 

Mr. Van. All's up ! May has thrown me over. The 
game's ended and I've lost. 

Mr. Penn. {sympathetically) You don't say so 1 Why, old 
fellow, I'm in exacdy the same boat. Dolly and I have 
separated forever. 

Mr. Van. {tragically) They have trifled with us both ! 
Let them beware ! 

Mr. Penn. {gloomily) What's to be done ? 

Mr. Van. {desperately) I shall shoot myself in her pres- 
ence and expire at her feet ! 

Mr. Penn. Nonsense ! I wouldn't give her that satisfac- 
tion. 

Mr. Van. Satisfaction ? 

29 



30 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Mr. Penn. Exactly. Shoot yourself for a woman, and 
she'll shed a tear, say " Poor fool ! He loved me well." and 
forget you for the next suitor. Pshaw ! We have been 
idiots ! Let us be wise and abjure women forever ! 

Mr. Van. {sadh) I thought in May I had met my affinity. 

Mr. Penn. And I was sure Dolly was mine, but it seems 
that we were both mistaken. 

Mr. Van. I suppose they are laughing at the two 
of us. 

Mr. Penn. Ha! I have an idea! 

Mr. Van. What is it ? 

Mr. Penn. I shall make desperate love to your XdXo. fiancee 
and you shall make love to mine. 

Mr. Van. That's brilliant tomfoolery ! What would be 
gained ? 

Mr. Penn. Well, in the first place our ex-loves wouldn't 
have the satisfaction of seeing us mope. And in the second 
place, when a woman sees that a man can get along per- 
fectly well without her, she begins to want him again. 

Mr. Van. Where have you gotten your extraordinary 
insight into the female heart ? 

Mr. Penn. Ha! ha! From long and careful study of 
the sutjject an naturel. 

Mr. Van. There is wisdom in your observations. On 
second thought I agree. When shall we begin our cam- 
paign ? 

Mr. Penn. At once. 

Mr. Van. At once ! How ? 

Mr. Penn. We will each write a note asking the maiden 
of our choice to meet us, say at the rustic seat on the ocean 
lawn. Make the time of our appointments about half an 
hour apart, or long enough for me to stroll up the beach 
with May and give you a free field with Dolly ; then you 
will start up the beach, too, and I will be coming back with 
May by that time. We will meet unconcernedly, make some 
flippant remarks, and pass on. 'Twill be beautiful ! What 
disdain the maidens will cast upon each other and upon us ! 
Come to my den and we will concoct the notes. 

Mr. Van.. Glorious ! I can see it all. But, I say, old 
fellow, you will have to write both billets. I have a deu- 
cedly sore hand. 

Mr. Penn. All right. Pve never had occasion to write 
a line to either of the girls before. My presence here con- 
tinually has rendered love letters unnecessary. 

Mr. Van. Same here. But come! Time is flying. 
They will be down soon for the afternoon. Penny, you are 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 3I 

a Machiavelli. {Exeiait both, door. Enter Belle, fi^07)i 
rig/iL) 

Belle, {slowly walking with drooping head) Why showld 
love be an entering wedge for misery? Here are Dolly 
and May unhappy and Mr. Pennington and Mr. Van Arts- 
dalen wretched over their broken engagements, and I — I — 
Oh ! why is he so blind. We have been writing of love 
together, and he, who knows naught about it, has taught 
me to adore him, while I, who know now all love's mean- 
ing, can teach him less than nothing. {Enter Mr. Colfax, 
door) 

Belle, {sotto voce) Ah ! there he is, and I must cover my 
love with simple friendship's mask! Good afternoon, Mr. 
Colfax. 

Colfax. Miss Walling, I have been searching every- 
where for you. 

Belle, {gayly) That is delightful. You know we women 
like to be sought after. 

Colfax. A pleasant weakness, which we men are not 
unwilling to encourage. What I wanted to see you about 
is to tell you that, owing to a little business at the Branch, I 
shall be unable to attend to any writing until four o'clock. 
At that hour I shall be at liberty to put, with your assistance, 
the finishing touches to our joint effort. Will the time 
suit? 

Belle. Any hour suits me ; and, besides, 'twill give me 
more time to perfect that love scene from my point of view. 

Colfax. By the way, the course of true love has shown 
its proverbial crookedness with our mutual friends. Penny 
and Van. are looking as woebegone as fishes out of water, 
and I haven't been able to catch a glimpse of the ladies 
since the " hop " last evening. Are they really out for 
good? 

Belle. I trust it is only a lovers' quarrel ; I shall try to 
act as mediator, if I can, 

Colfax. I wish you success. They have made excel- 
lent subjects for me to study these past three weeks. I have 
made considerable progress in my knowledge of love, ha ! 
ha! ha! 

Belle. I'm afraid your knowledge even now is only 
surface deep. It don't come from the right source. Love 
is born in the heart, not outside. 

Colfax, {smiling) Whence this increase of heart lore 
on my fair Athena's part? 

Belle. "A woman has more of intuition than a man. 
Perhaps that accounts for my wisdom. 



32 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Colfax. Whatever the source, I am sure my, or rather 
our book will reap the benefit of your learning in the soul- 
ful finale. Adios for the present. {Exit, door.) 

Belle, {biiierly) Blind and heartless both ! He speaks 
of love as flippantly as if it were a mere incident of life 
instead of the keystone of existence. Oh ! that I could 
teach him tlie truth ! The tortures of Tantalus are summer 
pastimes compared with those a woman endures who loves, 
and dares not let it be known. {She sighs and walks to the 
left of piazza, and disappears) {Enter Eddie, the bell- 
boy, door, with two envelopes in his hand. He looks in 
every direction, the?i seats himself in chair by door)) 

Eddie, {solil. ) I don' know whar dose ladies is. Not in. 
der rooms — not yere. Reckon I'll done hab to set yere and 
wait fo' 'em. Mus' be 'ticlar impo'tant, cos Mistah Van 
Ars'len an' Mistah Penn'gton, done gib me half a dollah 
apiece fo' deliberin' dese yere 'pistles safe 'n sound. Yah ! 
yah ! Dem fellahs hab got it bad ! Jes' nothing but billin' 
and cooin' round yere for two or tree weeks. Ef I goes 
out on de piaze aft' dark to straighten de cheers, dehs 
Mistah Penn'gton and Miss Mayfair a yum-yummin in some 
co'ner, or if I looks into de pariah and tink it's empty dehs 
Mistah Van Ars'len and Miss 'Collum a chewin' tooty- 
frooty on de sofa. I 'clar' to goodness, it's nuff to make dis 
niggah sick. {Looks at letters) Ki yi ! Golly ! deys done 
fo'got to seal dese yer 'pistles up. Dis chile's gwine to see 
how dat white trash make lub. ( Takes the note out of one 
envelope and reads slowly) " Deah fren' " — humph ! clat's a 
drefful po' way to 'gin a letter to a sweetheart ! When I 
writes to Chloe I sez " my own beautifullest lub " or suthin' 
like dat. Guess I'll hab to gib dem fellahs some pin'tahs 
on writin' lub letters. Le's see ef dehs any ting bettah dan 
de startin' out. {reads) " Dear fren', you will be 'sprised to get 
dis note from me." {solil) 'sprised ! yah ! yah ! I 'specs 
deys a passin' ob 'em all de time when dey aint a huggin' 
and kissm an' a makin' sheep's eyes at one anudder. {reads) 
*' you'll be 'sprised to get dis note from me, but I wants to 
see yo' on berry 'ticlar business." {solil) Yah ! mo' squeezin', 
I spec ! " 'tic'lar business, and I asks yo', as a favoi', to meet 
me at half-past tree o'clock at de rustic bench. Yours 
trooly. Ward Van Ars'len." {Laying letter on his 
lap and staring at it) Well, dat's mos' s'prisin' lub 
letter el)er I see ! I don' see no lub in dat, no mo'n 
nothin' at all. I wondah ef dis udder 'pistle am a de- 
provement on dis yere truck ? ( Takes out second letter and 
reads) " Deah fren'." {solil) Well, dese yere white folks 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 33 

ain' got no sense o' lub writin's. I guess " deah fren' " mus' 
be fash'nable. Yah ! yah ! Well yere's de res', (reads) 
" Yo'll be 'sprised to get dis note from me, but I wants to 
see yo' on berry 'tic'lar business, and I asks yo', as a favor, 
to meet me at tree o'clock at de rustic bench. Yours trooly, 
Harry Pennington." Well, did yo' ebber in all yo' bo'n 
days ! Does I see double, or does dey buy dese yere lub 
letters by de gross ready made .? I clar to gracious ! deys 
done bote write 'em de eyedentical same way, han'writin' 
an' all, 'ceptin' dehs a half hour's dif 'fence in de time. Well, 
dat gets my pimpernickle ! Dese yere white folks am too 
much for dis niggah. Lub letters ! Yah ! yah ! yah ! Oh ! 
my golly, deh comes Miss Mayfair ! 'Specs I get my neck 
bruck, ef I don' get dese yere in fo' she gets yere ! Crickey 
me! which am which? Sho ! niggah, don' be a fool! ob 
cos', Mistah Penn'gton's writin' to Miss Mayfair an' Mistah 
Van Ars'len am to Miss 'Collum. {^Putting the wrong letters 
in the envelopes?) 'Specs I'd bettah paste 'em up, too. Might 
tink dis niggah been readin' 'em. Yah I yah ! {He hastily 
seals them up and puts them hi his pocket?) {Enter, left 
piazza, Dolly.) 

Dolly, {with downcast face, slowly strolling) Ah, me ! 
What a little thing can change one's whole life. Just a few 
words and Harry and I are out forever I The world is a 
blank to me. I don't care whether I live or die. ( Throws 
out her hands with a gesture of despair.) 

Eddie, {sotto voce) Hi, golly ! Guess dat gal ain' a feel- 
in' well way she's a pawin' de air ! 

Dolly, {solil) But pshaw ! There are as good fish in 
the sea as ever came out of it 1 He's quick tempered or 
he would never have gotten so angry over my playfully ob- 
jecting to his praising May. Just as if I cared a cent how 
much he praised her 1 Humph ! I'll show him I can be as 
independent as he can. What is it, Eddie ? 

Eddie, {approaching and holding out the note) Yere's a 
lettah. Miss, from a gemmelman what was berry 'tic'lar dat 
I should deliber it to yo' in pusson. 

Dolly, {taking it eagerly) Thanks, Eddie ! 

Eddie. Yo' welcome, ma'am. {Retiring to his chair?) 

Dolly, {strolling back the way she came and hastily tear- 
ing the envelope) I wonder who this can be from ? Do you 
suppose he can have had the temerity to write to me after 
last night's bitter words ? {Reads) " Dear friend," oh I 
how cold that sounds ! " You will be surprised to get this 
note from me, but I want to see you on very particular 
business, and I ask you, as a favor, to meet me at the rustic 
3 



34 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

bench at three o'clock. Yours truly, Harry Pennington." 
{solil) Meet him ! What for, I wonder ? To listen to more 
of his cruel speeches ? I'll not go ! No ! I shall treat this 
with silent contempt. Does he think he can treat me as he 
did last night and then whistle me back hke a dog ? But, 
maybe he is sorry. Maybe I did seem jealous to him. 
Poor boy ! I wonder if he is suffering ? This is such a 
humble note. I — I — believe — I will grant him this one 
favor. Three o'clock 1 Why, 'tis nearly that now. I must 
hasten. {She hums a song, and comes back to centre^ 
Thank you, Eddie, very much ! Here's a quarter for you. 

Eddie, {grinning) Tank'ee, Missy! {Exit Dolly.) 
Yah ! yah ! yah ! she am as chipper as a June bug. Wisht 
deh war' jes' a dozen o' dem lubbers roun' yere, 'spec's I 
could retiah from business pretty soon, den. I wondah 
whar dat Miss 'Collum am ? Deh she comes, as sho's yo's 
bo'n. {Enter May, right, slowly) 

May. {bitterly) What a fool a woman is ! To give her 
heart to any man, thinking that 'twill be safe in his keeping 
forever. Bah ! 'twould be safer with dogs. A remark of 
mine about Mr. Colfax's genius has turned Ward's love to 
ice and mine to gall. Oh ! I am miserable ! {She throws 
out her arms as if in agony) 

Eddie, {sotto voce) I 'clar to gracious, Miss 'Collum am a 
feelin' bad, too. First Miss Mayfair, she act dat a-way, and 
den Miss 'Collum she act dis a-way, an' dey bofe look like 
dey'd swallowed cowcumbers and ice-cream. Lub nebber 
affected dis chile dat bad. Yah ! yah ! 

May. {solil) But he shall not see that I suffer ! I shall 
laugh as merrily as if I had never known him, and flirt des- 
perately with the next man I meet. He shall see that the 
sun doesn't rise and set in him. Ah ! Eddie, what have 
you ? 

Eddie, {holding out note) Yere's a lettah from Mistah Van 
Ars'len. Bery 'tic'lar business, he said. 

May. {eagerly) Thank you, Eddie ! 

Eddie. Yo's puffectly welcome, Missy. {He returns to 
his seat by door) 

May. {walkhig away) I wonder what he wants ? {She 
reads) " Meet him !" He's cool ! Last night he said I 
was " fickle," " heardess " — now he wants me to meet him ! 
Am I a plaything that he can throw aside and take up when 
His Majesty pleases ? Fll not gradfy him ! I'll show him 
a v/oman has spunk. I wonder what he really does want 
to see me about ? Can he be in earnest ? I wonder if I 
hadn't better see him just this once, and tell him that this 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 35 

must end it all ? Yes — I will ! O Ward, Ward ! {She re- 
turns to centre) Here, Eddie, is a twenty-five cent piece for 
your trouble. 

Eddie. T'ank yo', Missy. {Exit May, door.) 

Eddie. Yah ! She done feel bettah, too ! 'Specs dey'll 
hab some mo' yum-yummin' dis arternoon. Mus' be berry 
'tic'lar, too. Ki yi ! One doUah an' a half fo' dis business. 
I hopes dey takes to writin' notes all day long. Dere's mo' 
in it fo' dis chicken dan dis yere squeezin' in de dark. Yah ! 
yah ! yah ! {Enter Dolly, door, in waltzing costume}^ 

Dolly. Eddie, you haven't seen Mr. Pennington, have 
you ? 

Eddie. Yeth'm ; seed him roun' yer somewhere. Reckon 
he's done gone fo' a walk. 

Dolly. Oh ! Thank you, Eddie, {SJie walks hastily to 
right and disappears^ 

Eddie. Deh's one ob 'em gone. I reckon sugar and 
molasses'U be berry cheap pretty soon. Unk, unk ! I be- 
gins to feel like I would like to do some spahkin' myself. 
I wondah ef I could fin' dat yaller Chloe 'round dah in de 
laundry ? I'se gwine to see, ennyhow. {Enter Mr. Penn., 
door.) 

Mr. Penn. {carelessly) Anybody been along lately, Eddie ? 

Eddie, {slyly) Yeth, sah ! Some one jest gone dat a-way. 
{Jerkifig his thumb in tJie direction Dolly has taken) 

Mr. Penn. If you see Mr. yan Artsdalen, tell him I shall 
expect to see him in about half an hour. He will under- 
stand. {Exit i7i same direction as Dolly.) 

Eddie. Reckon Fll hab to go find Chloe ; my bosom's 
jes' a bustin' wid luv ! Yah ! yah ! yah ! {Exit) 

{Curtain) 



36 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Scene II, Act III. 

SCENE. — A lawn oveiiookiug the sea. Rustic bench on left 
and some shrubbery scattei^ed about. 

{Enter Dolly, hastily, from right, crosses over to bench 
and looks in eveiy direction^ 

Dolly. He is not here yet. Oh ! what will he say ? 
My heart fails me. Suppose I come here to listen only to 
recriminations from him, 'twill kill me ! Oh ! — how my 
poor heart is beating ! — He is coming, I think. I will be 
calm. I shall be looking out to sea, and not know of his 
presence until he speaks. {Enter Penn. from right.) 

Mr. Penn. Ah ! She is there ! How like May is to 
Dolly in figure. O Dolly, Dolly ! How I do miss her ! I 
can put no heart into this flirtation. Yes, I will, too ! I am 
not a school boy to be scared by a pair of laughing eyes. 
{He ci^osses over to the silent figure of Dolly.) 

Mr. Penn. {gayly) Good afternoon ! 

Dolly, {starting and turning) Oh ! how you startled me ! 

Mr. Penn. {starting in turii) Good heavens ! You ? {Sot to 
voce) The notes must have gotten changed. That black 
rascal, Eddie, has mixed things up ! 

Dolly, {frigidly) You seem disappointed. Perhaps I 
had better save you the trouble of explaining why you 
asked me to meet you here by leaving. {She arises and 
moves toward right.) 

Mr. Penn. Dolly!! 

Dolly. Well ? 

Mr. Penn. I— I — you — you — 

Dolly. You are not very brilliant to-day, Mr. Penning- 
ton. 

Mr. Penn. {desperately) I am a fool, Dolly! 

Dolly. " An honest confession is good for the soul." 

Mr. Penn. Have you no pity ? 

Dolly, {coldly) For what ? 

Mr. Penn. For me ! 

Dolly. I am "heartless," "cold," "fickle," "jealous," 
" trifling " — such are your words of last evening. What 
else can you expect from such a wretch as I ? 

Mr. Penn. {appeali?igly) You know I didn't mean them ! 

Dolly. On the same principle, when you call me " dar- 
ling," " sweet," and " pet," I presume you do not mean 
them, either. 

Mr. Penn. Dolly, how can you talk so ? You know I 
love you ! 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 37 

Dolly. I have heard you say that before, but last night 
stands between. 

Mr. Penn. {desperately) Have you no mercy tor me i 

Dolly. You had none for me. 

Mr Penn. How pitiless a woman can be ! Forgive me 
for intruding upon you. 1 shall leave you without troublmg 
you further. P'^arewell! ! {^He turns and starts toward the 
right?) 

Dolly. Harry ! 

Mr. Penn. {coldly) Well ? {Halting.) 

Dolly. Do you really mean what you say ? ^ 

Mr. Penn. Do you believe me capable of jestmg about 
my love ? {Movi?ig away) 

Dolly, {appealingly) Harry!! 

Mr. Penn. {returning a step) What is it? 

Dolly {holding her arms outstretched tenderly) Harry ! ! ! 

Mr. Penn. Darling ! ! ! ( They throw themselves into each 
other's arms. Eloquent silence) . i u 

Dolly, {archly) Are you sorry that you were a bad boy, 

dear ? 

Mr. Penn. {fondly) Drefful ! , 

Dolly. Then you may tiss me— jus once ! (Eddie and 
Chloe enter right at this stage of proceedings and behold 

the scene ^ 

Eddie. (/^ Chloe) Dere! Dey's at it, Chloe! Laws a- 

mussy, obsarbe him ! . t-u^ ^ i -rT.^r^ i 

Mr Penn {kissijig Dolly) There! There! There! 

There ! There ! , , . r n ^ •<- 

Eddie {to Chloe) Dat's de way de white folks does it 
Chloe Yah' Yah! Dere! Dere! Dere! Dere! Dere! 
(Kisses Chloe in mocking imitation ofUK. Penn. The two 
colored i7idividuals are screened from the view of the occu- 
pants of the pavilion by an evergreen bush, but in full view of 

""""dolly, {sitting closer) Isn't it nice to think our troubles 

are all over ? , ^ a \ 

Mr. Penn. Scrumptious ! But say, dear— ! 

Dolly. What is it, pet ? i m r FT.mp- 

Mr Penn. Pve a confession to make. (N B— Eddie 
and Chloe are peeping with deep interest all the time from 
behind the bush Of course plenty of funny and suggestive 
pantomime may be enacted by the two) „^„o-htv ? 

Dolly, {ijiterestedly) What is it? Something naughty? 

Mr. Penn. Dreadful ! 

Dolly. Don't tell me then ! 

Mr Penn. I didn't write that note to you ; 



38 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Dolly, {drawing away from him) For whom then, 
pray ? 

Mr. Penn. {despei-ately) I wrote it to May McCollum. 

Dolly, {bursting into tears) O Harry ! Harry ! you have 
deceived me ! Oh ! oh ! my heart is breaking' ! 

Eddie, {to Chloe) Jimini crimini ! Heah comes an 
April shower ! Dat's no way to make lub ! 

Mr. Penn. {frenziedly) Listen, dear, while I explain ! 

Dolly, {sobbing) You can't explain ! Oh ! leave me ! 
leave me ! and go to your May ! 

Mr. Penn. {^frantically') You must listen to me ! After 
last night Ward and I made a plan to get up a flirtation 
with May and you — I with May, he with you. 

Dolly. How shameful ! 

Mr. Penn. Terrible ! And we agreed to write a note to 
each of you, asking you to meet us here a half hour apart ; 
then we were to pretend we didn't care a pin for our old 
loves, and we thought maybe our supposed indifference 
would bring all right again. But somehow or other the 
notes have been changed, and you have gotten May's and 
she probably has yours, and everything is mixed up. 

Dolly. To think you would stoop to such means ! Do 
you regret that the notes were wrongly delivered ? 

Mr. Penn. Darling!' {He folds her in his arms.) 

Eddie. Dey's off again, an' de sun am shinin' ! We 
ain' far behind. Yah ! yah ! {He imitates Mr. Penn.) 

Dolly, {listening and looking to right) Oh! here comes 
May. Come, dear, we must leave the field to her. I do 
hope she and Mr. Van Artsdalen will be as successful in 
coming to an understanding as we have been. Come 1 
( They both leave the pavilion and disappear to left) 

Eddie. Anudder one, Chloe ! {he kisses her) We's right 
up wid de band waggin ebery time ! Oh ! dere's Missy 
'Collum ! She am a lookin' for dat 'tic'lar business, too, 
dem notes spoke about. He aint come yit. Reckon we 
can sit down an' look at de lan'scape awhile, till de nex' 
lesson. {He and Chloe sit with their faces to the sea on a 
bench behind the evergreen. Enter yihN from right) 

May {solil.) I do believe Dolly and Mr. Pennington have 
made up. Pm sure I saw him kiss her just now. And I — 
Oh ! my heart ! I am still out with Ward. Ah ! why did 
we quarrel ? It takes two to make a quarrel they say. 
Perhaps I was too hasty. Oh ! if my life should be blighted 
by a few words. Suppose he is cold. Pshaw ! I can be 
equally so. He must make the first advances. I shall play 
the role of indifference. He is coming. FU be busily read- 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 39 

ingf my novel. {Seats herself ajid opens a paper novel. 
Enter Mr. Van, right.) 

Mr. Van. Ah ! I can just see Penn and May in the dis- 
tance. Tlie plot is working. Dolly is awaiting me. I 
wonder what in the deuce I will say to her ! Oh ! 
why did I make a fool of myself last night? Suppose 
Penn makes such desperate love to my darling as to win 
her ! By George, Pd shoot him ! How intently Dolly is 
reading. She has on one of May's wraps this afternoon. 
Oh ! if it were only my love how happy I would be ! {lie 
approaches) Busy reading, I see ! 

May. {turning slowly around) Oh ! it's you, is it ? 

Mr. Van. {starting, sotto voce) Heavens! {aloud) Good 
— good — good afternoon ! 

May. {coolly) Good afternoon. 

Mr. Van. You startled me ! I thought you were Miss 
May fair. 

May. {bitinglv) Perhaps the thought was father to a wish. 

Mr. Van. Heaven forbid ! 

May. You are suspiciously emphatic. To what am I in- 
debted for this note from you after last night ? Am I to 
listen to more insults ? 

Mr. Van. Insults! O May! 

May. Your very look was an insult last evening. 

Mr. Van. {stifflv) Perhaps my presence then is an insult 
to-day. I will bid you a very good afternoon. 

May. {stiffly) Good afternoon, Mr. Van Artsdalen. {She 
resumes her book.) 

Eddie, {peeping around the bush) Chloe, de secon' lesson 
am a gwine to be pos'poned by de looks ob tings. Dere 
seems to be a chill in de atmosphere ober dah. He's jus' 
a puttin' fo' home, an' she hab turned her back on him. I 
don' unstan' dese yere white folks ways of lubbin no how. 
{He and Chloe both watch the developments with deep inter- 
est) 

Mr. Van. {going slowly to right) I shall never cross your 
path again ! 

May. {coldly) You promise what I felt a delicacy in re- 
questing. Thanks ! {reading). 

Mr. Van. {sotto voce) How beautiful she is when she is 
angry ! But is she so utterly heartless as she pretends to 
be ? {alotid) May ! ! 

May. {turjiing slowly) Haven't you gone yet ? Is there 
anything more you wish to say ? 

Mr. Van. Yes, one thing. 

May. Go on ! 



40 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 

Mr, Van, {tenderly) I love you, dear ! 

May. {still eoldly) You say it beautifully ! But you show 
very poor taste ui loving a " frivolous coquette," and an 
*' incorrigible flirt. Such are the expressions you were 
pleased to apply to me at the dance last evening. 

Mr. Van. {lucnibly) I take them all back. 

May. To fling them at me again the next time you lose 
your temper ! 

Mr. Van. You have no feeling ! 

May. There ! You are beginning already : 

Mr. Van. {desperately) May, you will drive me into a 
frenzy ! Can you sit there, and be utterly indifferent to the 
slow torture I am enduring? 

May. You forget the long hours of the night, just passed, 
in which I endured the torture of a sleepless memory ! 

Mr. Van. You are a stone ! You cannot forget and for- 
give ! I shall not ask again ! ! {He rushes across to right) 

Eddie. Yah ! yah ! He goin' like he done fo'got 
somefm', Chloe, guess me an' you hab to give white folks 
some lessons, oursel's, yah ! {He kisses her) 

May. {spririging- up) Ward ! Ward ! Come back, please ! 

Mr. Van. {gloomily) Farewell forever! {Still striding 
away) 

May. {sotto voce, wildly) Oh ! what have I done ? What 
have I done ? I have killed his love ! {aloud) Ward, my 
darling, come to me ! ! 

Mr. Van. {halting) Are you jesting, or rehearsing for a 
melodrama ? 

May. {bursting into tears, and df'opping hito seat and 
buryi?ig her face in her hands on the back of the railing) Oh ! 
oh ! You are killing me ! 

Eddie. Golly, she am a playin' her trump kiard now, 
ef dem teahs don' fetch him nothin' will. Yeth sah ! didn't 
I tell you ? He's gwine back fit to kill himself! 

Mr. Van. {in alarm returning) May ! my precious I For- 
give me ! forgive me ! {He drops on his knees before her, and 
puts his arms about her) 

Eddie. O Lor' ! he's jes' puttin' on de style ! jes' as dey 
does in de lub scenes at the teatre. Yah ! yah ! Chloe, 
'specs I'll hab to practice dat ar' movement, too ! {He drops 
down on his knees beside Chloe, a?id makes extravagant 
mockery <9/"Mr. Van.) 

May. {sobbi?tg hysterically) Wa — Wa — Ward, forgive me 
pi — pi — please for be — be — being so cruel ! 

Mr. Van. Forgive you, my own ! It is you that must 
forgive me. 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 4I 

May. I do ! I do ! 

Mr. Van. {taking hei^ ha?ids doivn, mid holding her face 
between his hands) Well, then, pet, '-top crying, and say you 
love me. 

May. {slowlj) I — love — you ! {Eloquent eclipse}} 

Eddie, {taking Chloe's/^^^ between his hands, too) Chloe, 
dat's anudder new fangle. But we's right wid de times. 
Dehs nothing slow 'bout us, chile, sho's you's bo'n ! 

May. {starting) Dear, I hear voices ! Who is coming ? 

Mr. Van. {looking) Botheration ! Mr. Colfax and Miss 
Walling are coming right this way. Come let us stroll 
further. ( They both arise a?id walk to left) 

May. {smiling) There is no rest for the wicked — or for 
lovers ! {Exeunt both left) 

EcDiE. Dat's the end of dis lesson, Chloe. Don' see no 
'provement, gal, ober de ole fashion w^ay ob lub makin'. 
Guess we'll stick to de same ole styles. None ob dis yere 
pawin' de air, and droppin' on yo' knees, fo' me. 1 ain' a 
makin' a show of m^^self fo' no gal, yah ! yah ! yah ! An' 
dere comes Mistah Colfax, and Missy Walling. Dat settles 
it! Deys as prim as two church steeples. No lub dere. 
Guess we'd better take a promenade on de beach, Chloe. 
{Exeunt both right background) Enter, right, Bei.le and 
Mr. Colfax, ivith poiif olios) 

Colfax. Ha ! ha ! " The wicked flee w^hen no man 
pursueth." 

Belle. Ha ! ha ! ha ! What a pity it was to disturb that 
tete-a-tete ! It was so touching. Evidently everything is 
all right again. 

Colfax. And they have been putting into practice what 
we have been writing about. 

Belle. I wish we could make that last chapter as re- 
alistic as the scene we have witnessed. 

Colfax, I think you have done very well, indeed. {They 
enter pavilio?i — sit down — arid open MS. portfolios) 

Belle, {taking up some pages) No, it does not suit me. 
The hero and heroine make love like puppets. Just listen ! 
{She reads) " ' Fairest love, I adore you !' said Ethelbert, 
taking her lily white hand in his. ' It is wrong to adore 
anything of earthly clay,' said Alicia, giving him a pale, 
timid smile. ' But you are my life ! my all !' said he 
passionately throwing himself at her feet and pressing her 
fingers to his lips " — There ! ha ! ha ! ha ! that strikes me as 
being perfectly ridiculous ! Doesn't it you ? 

Colfax. It does sound rather machine made. Ha 1 I 
have it ! We will act it out 1 



42 AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDEF 

Belle, {laughing) A brilliant idea ! Let's have the scene, 
please ! 

Colfax, {arising and reading') " The moon was sailing 
aloft through the shredded clouds, and her pale rays fell upon 
the garden of the Count. By the side of the murmuring 
fountain, the noble Ethelbert, and the woman of his heart 
— the lovely Alicia — stood. From the wide open windows 
of the ball-room, the sweet strains of a Strauss waltz were 
pouring. Moved by the perfect beauty of the night, Ethel- 
bert turned to her — " 

Belle. That will do for the scene. Now for the acting. 
Begin, please. 

Colfax, {laughing) Well, here's at it ! {He stoops a little 
and looks down at Belle). " Alicia, I have been trying all 
the evening to tell you — that I love you !" 

Belle, {drooping her head timidly) " Love me ? Surely 
you cannot mean what you say ! I am but a simple country 
maiden, and you — you are a distinguished nobleman !" 

Colfax, {taking her hand) "Alicia, hear me! I have 
loved you since the first day I met you ! Oh ! my love ! my 
love ! do not say ' no ' or I shall die !" 

Belle, {looking up timidly) " Die for me ? You are jest- 
ing. A man wins a woman's love not by dying, but by 
living for it." 

Colfax, {bending lower) " Then let me live for you, my 
darling. Will you not say ' yes ?' " 

Belle, {drooping her head and speaking softly) " Ye-es !" 

Colfax. *' Then say : ' I love you, Ethelbert !' " 

Belle, {zuith expressioii) " Dearest Ethelbert, I love 
you !" {She drops his hand and turns away with a sigh.) 

Colfax, {starting back a?id looking at her sotto voce) 
How beautiful she looked then ! Has my heart been sleep- 
ing, that she has stolen into it without my knowing it ? 
{aloud) Belle, darling ! 

Belle, {starting in affright) Alicia, you mean, Mr. Col- 
fax! 

Colfax, {seizing her hand) No ! no ! no ! the comedy is 
ended, the jest has vanished, the scales have fallen from my 
eyes, and I know, my darling, that I love you — you ! {draw- 
ing her to him) Oh ! is there the slightest hope for me, 
Belle ? ^, 

Belle. Why, have you been blind so long ? 

Colfax. You love me ? 

Belle. I do— my love ! 

Colfax, {putting his arms about her) At last I know 
what love is ! This is my entrance fee, dear. {Kissi?ig her) 



AN UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER 43 

Belle. To what, Lennox ? 

Colfax. To the primary department of the School of 
Love. I want to take the whole course with you as teacher. 

Belle, (smiling) You must learn rapidly. 

Colfax. Oh ! I shall want my diploma in a year. 

Belle. Diploma ? 

Colfax. Yes, dear — A Marriage Certificate ! 

Belle, {burying her face o?i his shoiildei') Oh!! {While 
they are slandi?ig by the befich in this position Mr. Penning- 
ton and Dolly, and Mr. Van Artsdalen and May ap- 
proacJi slyly, with fingers to their lips, and s2irrou7id them. At 
a signal they all say loudly — " AHEM I /" Belle a7id Mr. 
Colfax start and spring apart^ 

Belle. Oh ! 

Colfax. Ah I 

The Quartette. Yum ! yum ! 

Dolly. The Literary Partnership is complete ! 

May. There is no longer a silent partner in the firm ! 
{All come close, a?id the girls kiss Belle.) 

Belle. {recoveiHng herself ) I see two other firms are re- 
established at the old stands. 

Mr. Van. (/<? Mr. Colfax) Congratulations, old fellow! 

Mr. Penn. {to Mr. Colfax) Mine, too, old man ! 

Colfax, {proudlj) Thanks ! May we never have even a 
lover's quarrel, and all be happy forevermore ! 

All. Amen ! 

Mr. Van. The campaign has been brief but thrilling. 

Mr. Penn. And has been brought to a happy conclu- 
sion with only three engagements. 

Colfax. We have met the enemy — 

Mr. Van. ] 
and \ {in chorus) And we are theirs ! 

Mr. Penn. ] 

Belle. Is it an unconditional surrender ? 

The Men. {in chorus) It is ! ! 
TABLEAU. — Each couple embraces and just as the curtain 

begins to descend, Eddie a7id Chloe appear in the back- 

g7^ound, wit7iess the sce7ie, a7id Eddie exclaims : " Yah ! 

Yah ! Yah I dese ye7^e white folks links deys got a 7no- 

nopoly on dis tub 7naki7i\ but dey's 7nistaken, slid' I Chloe, 

we trabbels 7\q;ht alo7ig wid de people ! Kiyi r {He tlwows 

Jiis a7nns aboiit his siveetheaii also, and kisses her with a r<?- 

sou7idi7ig siTiack, as the curtai7i d7^ops. 

, {Curtai7i.) 



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